the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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