i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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