tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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