I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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