I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
