Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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