I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
