i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
