Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize