you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
