When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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