You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
