Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
