I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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