the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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