She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Randomize
