i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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