Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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