If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
pray to the hookup gods
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
