If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
