Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
