Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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