Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish you could order shots online.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
