I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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