I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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