your thong is hanging out like whoa
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
