just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
