I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
