she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
splinters make it hard to masturbate
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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