Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
