My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Alive.
So much puke
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
