Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
