My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
