I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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