Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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