Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
