I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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