you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
They have beer where we have blood.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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