i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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