And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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