My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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