the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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