After last night, I could never be a politician.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
