sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
