i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
