Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
