When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize