I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
