my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
