if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
