Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize