the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
