Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I supernannyed him into submission
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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