The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
