it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
