I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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