Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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