No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
