I faked an abortion last night.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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