If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Randomize
