after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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