insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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