Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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