I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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