I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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