Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
