Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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