He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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