Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
this will be a night to untag.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
