my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
