Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
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