Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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