What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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