Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
