And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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