i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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