So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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